


SUBJECT: RE: A mutual avoidance of our vulnerabilities

by piggy09



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Epistolary, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-06 06:01:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21221765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piggy09/pseuds/piggy09
Summary: TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.comFROM: smanning84@gmail.comSUBJECT: HeyHey. It’s Sarah. Felix gave me your email address. Hope it still works.Was it you who gave him the list? Of Ledas?





	SUBJECT: RE: A mutual avoidance of our vulnerabilities

**Author's Note:**

> yeah yeah laugh it up i'm back on my beat
> 
> Also! This is not in any way compliant with ~Orphan Black: The Next Chapter~, which is one of the reasons why I'm posting it on a hiatus week. :P

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: Hey

Hey. It’s Sarah. Felix gave me your email address. Hope it still works.

Was it you who gave him the list? Of Ledas?

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

Hello Sarah,

I’ll admit I wasn’t expecting to hear from you. Yes, I was the one to give Felix the list of Leda subjects. I’m sure Cosima would have had the idea herself, eventually, but in a corporate purge the incriminating data is often the first to go – and a list of human subjects is nothing if not incriminating. In a purge this frantic, it was inevitable that all traces of DYAD’s involvement in Project Leda would be scrubbed. I’m sure you’ve seen traces of how quickly they’re working to bury the evidence.

Has Cosima made progress? The portion of the cure she smuggled out should be reproducible, even with her admittedly limited resources.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

Didn’t really think you’d respond either.

Saw some of it on the news. Honestly I don’t know what’s going on but Neolution is dead and that’s what matters. All I know is everyone’s looking for you. Guess that’s why you went underground.

Cosima’s getting the cure out. You got yours right?

-Sarah

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

Sarah,

You’re right that I’m keeping my head down at the moment – I’ve no desire to be led to the gallows simply because I’m the only one left to blame. All of my information is public, anyhow. There’s little else of use I can provide other than a scapegoat.

I received my inoculation a while ago. It was in its earlier stages, but it’s proven effective. It isn’t necessary for me to trouble Cosima for a dose. Thank you for thinking of me.

Was Alison first to receive hers?

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

You say scapegoat like you’re innocent but you’re not. So much of this shit is your fault. You don’t want to own up to any of it? Seriously?

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: [No subject]

I paid my debts.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

Did you?

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

I’ve lost an eye. I’ve lost both parents, found them, found that they were disappointed in me, and lost them again. I’ve lost my ability to walk for more than four city blocks. I’ve lost any hope at a fulfilling career, or a consistent source of income. I’ve lost my chance at a life outside of this. I will not go to prison in the vain hopes of satisfying you, Sarah Manning.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

Yeah like you’re the only one who lost anything. Like you’re the only one who lost her mum. Sorry you lost your bloody eye cause it was the only way for me to get out of your bloody medical deathtrap before you cut out my bloody ovary and used it to make ten thousand babies for you to inject worms into or whatever the shit.

Just kidding. I’m not sorry. Fuck you.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

I am sorry about Siobhan.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

And that’s the only thing you’re sorry for.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

That’s not the only thing I’m sorry for.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

Alison was at some retreat shit for weeks so Cos gave Krystal the cure first. Krystal thought it some vitamin supplement to make your hair better or something. But yeah Alison got her cure.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

I’m relieved to see that the collapse of an international cloning conspiracy didn’t at all damage Krystal Goderitch’s stubborn and remarkable ability to completely ignore anything that doesn’t fit into her worldview.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

Krystal’s a treasure. Watched one of her videos the other day. Guess she and Brie brought down big cosmetics together. Can’t believe the beauty industry was so corrupt hey?

Or I guess you can. Since you bought all those patents or whatever.

-Sarah

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

Sarah,

It must be quite a bit of work to topple a corporate conglomerate of that size. I suppose in some circles Krystal is a hero of considerable merit.

I am jealous of her, sometimes. What it must be like to live a life with no regrets.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

Krystal probably doesn’t think she’s a hero. She just brought down the cosmetics industry cause she cares about makeup and they were screwing it all up. More luck than anything probably. Right place right time.

-Sarah

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

Sarah,

Tragically, doing the exact right thing at the exact right time is what defines a hero. That, paired with a refusal to be acknowledged. The more Krystal attempts to deny her own heroism…well. The more she fits the archetype.

At the very least she can count herself lucky that she didn’t do the exact right thing at the exact wrong time. Villainy seems precisely the same as any act of heroics – that is, doing what needs to be done – until one wakes up in the morning and realizes it wasn’t necessary at all, only cruel. After that, you’re trapped in it.

One could run from heroism, if one is a coward. I don’t think Krystal is a coward. Besides: she has more to lose.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

I think Krystal’s done running away from things. Even if they’re shit and she hates them. There’s so much shit and I hate all of it. You’ve never applied for a job in your life you don’t know how bloody terrible it is. Krystal’d lose her mind if she had any mind left to lose.

At least if you’re a villain you end up on a beach somewhere drinking Mai Tais or whatever you’re up to.

-Sarah

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

Sarah,

I’m sure Krystal has no shortage of help should she ask for it, so I’ll decline to offer advice. I’m certain it would be patronizing, anyhow, even if that wasn’t my intention.

She’s always welcome to assemble a cocktail of her own and deepen her tan. Even if bronzing is an inherent act of villainy.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: An addendum

I don’t know if this will ruin whatever fragile semblance of peace we’ve managed through strained small talk – I’m almost certain that it will, but after weighing it for some time I’ve considered it a necessary casualty. I hope you aren’t offended.

How is Charlotte, Sarah?

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

If you tried to give Krystal advice she’d punt you. She gets enough of that from everyone else. You’re not really qualified anyway yeah? What the hell are you gonna tell her? “Sorry Krystal you just have to get born into corporate power. Good luck!” No thanks.

Charlotte’s good. She’s bloody smart. Keeps wanting to talk to me about bones. I don’t know shite about bones thank god Cos does.

She hasn’t asked about you. Sorry.

-Sarah

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

Sarah,

Believe me, I know full well what Krystal Goderitch is capable of.

I suppose I’m relieved that our brief period of cohabitation had little to no effect on Charlotte. I wanted better for her – I should have done better by her. She was my responsibility, if only for a month or so. I hope she’s happy.

She has always been a remarkable child. I doubt she’s looking for a serious intellectual discussion about the human skeleton so much as she wants someone to listen to her and care about what interests her. I don’t doubt you’ve managed that.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

We’re all trying. Charlotte’s trying too. She’s trying to move on from all this and be more than this. Us. I don’t know. Proud of her. She’s gonna be bloody amazing.

-Sarah

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

Sarah,

I don’t blame her for wanting to move on. Isn’t that what we’re all trying to do?

Best,  
Rachel

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: Happy Birthday

To you and Helena both.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Happy Birthday

wow you sent this one lATE are you in eurpop or just not sleeping. do i care. i don’t even know i’m so drunk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! happ ybirhday even though its not your birthday and i otn’ know when your brithday is. sometimes i look at the scar on my leg and i’m loike. hey. drachel did that. that’s insane. rachel’s an nisae person and then you send me a email about responsibiltiy or whatever tshite and thenw o KNOWS whats up with you. id’tnow even know. sorry i didn’t inveit you to the party i guess? did you even want to come. proably not. god you make me sad. and pissed off. you STABBED me in the LEG what the shit. oh shit i stabbed helena in thes to amc holy shit that was a weird time. that was such a blodoy weird bloody time. i know where not supposed to talk about it or whatever because we’re all moving on like you sdiad bt i can’t stop thinking about it?? you know? especially in the middle of the night when i wake up and i’m all alone and i’ mshaking. i’m just ahking. hey rachel duncan do you ever wa ke up in the middle of the night and just shakes? i’m glad you sent me another email actually i’d be sad if you just disappeared for ever oh shit oi’m gonna puke GOOD NIGHT

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Happy Birthday

How regretful are we this morning?

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Happy Birthday

that email woke me up

you hell bitch

i’m gonna hunt you down and kill you

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Happy Birthday

That’s what the proxies are for, Sarah.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Happy Birthday

In all seriousness.

That paragraph was by and large incoherent garbage, which I’m sure you know. To answer what sincere questions I could see:

1\. I don’t think it would have been a good idea to invite me to your birthday party. It’s for the best that you didn’t.

2\. When I said we were all moving on, I didn’t mean that you shouldn’t respond. I’m sorry if my words were easy to misconstrue.

3\. Yes, I do wake up in the middle of the night and just shake. I’ve found tea soothes. I pair it with translating poetry, but I don’t know how helpful that is to you as a coping mechanism.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: Hey

Charlotte’s into poisonous plants now. Why. Why are Alison and Cos so excited about this.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

A healthy interest in oleander and foxglove is perfectly normal, Sarah.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

Well now I’m really worried.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

Implying I’m not the model of well-adjusted childhood?

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

Yeah.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

I’m sure her interest is purely academic. When I knew her, she was very interested in rocks – a passion that never extended beyond explaining structural variations and requesting that I feel the difference in textures.

Then again, I suppose you can’t ingest rocks.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

Helena says you can eat rocks if you break ‘em down small enough. “Like chickens.” I don’t know if that means breaking them down like chicken or if it means chickens eat rocks. I don’t know how much of what Helena says is a joke. She says her kids eat sand and I don’t ask questions.

Charlotte just wants to take us on nature walks and show off pokeweed and shite. Didn’t know there were so many plants that could kill us. Gets me and Kira out of the bloody house though.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

With all due respect, I absolutely believe that your sister has eaten rocks and would do so again. Are her babies alright? I have to assume sand isn’t toxic, at least in small quantities.

Don’t let Charlotte strain her leg.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

Helena could eat a table and she’d probably be fine. I’m jealous to be honest. Wish it was genetic.

Ha. Charlotte sat me down a few weeks ago and told me to stop fussin about her leg because she knows how to handle it. I should tell her you’re also worrying out in Bora Bora or whatever. See if that changes her mind.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

You could tell her.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

You know that was a joke right? You know I’m not telling anyone we’re talking. You’re not stupid.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

I didn’t know for certain. Naïve of me, I suppose. After everything.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Hey

Yeah.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: Shaking

Hello, Sarah.

It’s been a while. When I wake up in the night, now, I think about you. I wonder how many of your night terrors are my fault. (Plenty of mine are yours.) (Plenty are unrelated.) It’s currently 3:14am and my hands are still tremoring slightly; I thought I might as well put them to use. When this happens – when my hands shake – I sometimes slip into a place of forgetting that my fingers are mine and I can use them. I can’t help thinking I’ve lost them again. Thankfully, that’s not the case.

The sun hasn’t started rising yet; everything is dark outside, and silent. It feels as if I’m the only person alive. Do you ever wish that was the case? Would it be a relief? I doubt it. You would probably find a way to bring everyone back through sheer stubbornness.

This is a pointless message and I’ll regret it in the morning. Good night, Sarah.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Shaking

You alright?

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Shaking

Sorry that’s probably a shitty message to send on its own. None of it’s real. You’re fine. Drink another pina colada and breathe.

Can’t help you with coping. I don’t translate poetry or anything I just got a gun. It’s great. I know nothing’s gonna come crawling in in the middle of the night to attack me or Kira but hey at least I can stop ‘em if they do and nothing’s more reassuring than that.

You should probably stick to tea though.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE:

Sarah,

Yes, I’m fine. Thank you for your concern.

Well. I don’t own a gun, and won’t be purchasing one. I think it would do more harm than good. I’m a terrible shot and I don’t have full control of my hands.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Don’t think I didn’t see that

Alright. Probably for the best. If anyone looked in my email inbox and saw that I told you to get a gun they’d shit themselves. If you got a gun for real I’d shit myself probably.

What are you up to anyway.

-Sarah

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Excuse my desire to not be reminded of my past overreactions

Sarah,

Don’t be dramatic. I’m hardly going to journey to your house and shoot you. Then who would I send melodramatic messages to at terrible hours?

I am surprised it’s taken you this long to ask me point-blank what I’m doing. I rather enjoyed living in your imagined beach. Sipping drinks with little umbrellas in them. Swimming. Let’s leave it at that, shall we?

What are you up to, anyway?

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: You’re excused for now but you’re pushing it

Don’t joke about that. Don’t.

Anyway why do I have to tell you my bloody life story while you’re making jokes about the beach. I built a city in the clouds and I live there. Kira grew a pair of wings. It’s great. Piss off.

-Sarah

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Heaven forbid

Sarah,

Alright. I won’t do it again. If it helps at all, I brought the concept up precisely because I find it ridiculous. I have no desire to bring any misery into your lives. That would necessitate an anger that I no longer possess.

And while I’m being honest: I don’t particularly want to tell you anything about my life because I enjoy the infinite possibilities of my existence as imagined by you. It’s childish, I know, but I don’t want to be reduced to this life more times than necessary.

Besides, I already know some things about your life now. Small things. You were applying for work. You’re still in close contact with your sisters and Charlotte. I don’t need an address or your working hours, Sarah, I’m only curious. But I understand how that would feel like a threat.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

I’m good. You good?

-Sarah

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

Sarah,

Essentially.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

Cosima and Delphine’ve got most of the Ledas cured. Can you believe that? I can’t believe that. I’m so bloody proud of her I feel like I’m gonna burst.

-Sarah

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

Sarah,

I can believe it. Cosima is brilliant and passionate; of course she’d manage in a year what the DYAD Institute couldn’t manage in thirty. Aldous Leekie is rolling in his grave – or at least whatever remains of him.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

I thought you lot carted Leekie out of Alison’s garage. Did you not?

-Sarah

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

Sarah,

I’m fairly certain Alison still has possession of the remains.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

That’s terrifying.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

Alison Hendrix is a terrifying woman.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

Hahahahaha you’re still mad cause she showed up at your office with his head aren’t you.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

She told you.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

Yeah no offense but she loves tellin that story. Her impression of you is shitty but Helena loses her bloody mind every single time.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

…

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

[No body text]

ATTACHMENT: guesswhat.mp4

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

You’re right, that’s terrible. I have never once said “mercy me.”

The haircut is…a surprise.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Whatever

I KNOW. Bloody unbelievable isn’t it. I didn’t even know she’d gotten it until me and Helena showed up at her house with Helena’s kids and I saw it and I just flipped my shit laughing my bloody head off. We all sort of flipped our shit. That kind of night. Do you remember it?

I forgot about you. Sorry I guess. By the time I asked Art and he checked you were already gone. Smart of you to get out when they were still going through the bodies at DYAD. No one knew they should be looking for you. Except us.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: I think it’s about time to change this subject line

I’d meant to leave earlier, but Detective Bell confiscated my passport to ensure my cooperation with your plans to free Helena. I was in no mood to stay – especially with the collective eagerness to tell me how large of a target I had on my back. It was smart of him to force my hand, I suppose.

I’m sure it was a frantic night on your end. I emptied the minibar, wrote an embarrassing rant of a letter to Ferdinand, and then fell asleep. Quite the celebration of freedom, wasn’t it.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Don’t pressure me I’m shit at thinking up titles

Would you not have helped if Art and Fe hadn’t made you? You gave up all that data shit yeah?

We stayed up all night watchin the news. In shifts. Helena kept laughing every time she had to feed the babies she had no bloody idea what she was doin and every time we looked at each other we just laughed. Took them a long time to find PT and Coady’s bodies but then we were all in front of the TV and I don’t know Cos took my hand and it was something. Kipped out at Alison’s for a week with Kira. Christ. Haven’t thought about that for a long time.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: You did title your first email “Hey”

I had recently lost everything. I had an unbelievable headache. I was sleepless and furious and I didn’t want anyone to have anything, ever again. I don’t know if I would have let all of you drown; I’m not inclined to be generous to my past self, and so I must admit it was a possibility.

I’m glad you had each other. It was a jarring transition, wasn’t it.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: You can piss right off

I thought I was gonna get arrested for murder so yeah it was a time. When I got back to the house and S wasn’t there I lost it all over again. Took me months to start figurin out I wanted to pull my life together. Kept thinking it was pointless cause there’d just be something else to put my whole bloody life on hold for. Didn’t even think about having a whole bloody life to put on hold. Just. Y’know. Someone else gettin kidnapped and me having to go get them. Someone else who had to be killed. That shit.

Sometimes I still think there’s going to be that shit.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: Shaking

You keep telling me that it’s over and you’re not going to do anything and you’re sorry but if anything is going to start again if anything’s going to hurt us it’s going to come from you and you know that and I know that and it’s just always there. Every time you say something casual I know you’re thinking that I’m thinking that you still could come kill us. This is all so shitty. I don’t know if I wish you were dead or if I wish I could trust you or what but you make everything difficult. What do we even owe each other. What the hell do we owe each other. If I could figure that out I’d feel better but I can’t figure it out.

You won’t even tell me what you’re doing and you made it sound pretty but I can’t stop thinking about that. It was so easy for you to just not tell me anything. How do I know you’re not gonna

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: Adrian Sheepers sent you an invitation to video chat!

Click here to join the chatroom.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: Shaking

You look exactly the same. Isn’t that funny?

I never wanted to see your face again. I never wanted to see any of you again – especially subpar impersonations, thank you again for that video file – but you especially. And yet it seems that despite my best efforts you’ve begun to matter to me. I suppose we’d all do terrible things for the chance of being understood.

I hope that was helpful. I’d prefer it if we never used video as a medium again; email is preferable. If paranoia overcomes you in the small hours of the night, though, do feel free to reach out.

Have you considered seeing someone for what you discussed? I don’t know any psychiatrists in the Toronto area who aren’t DYAD plants, but I’m sure they exist.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE:

If you wanna hear something funny here’s one. I forgot what you sounded like. Alison’s impersonations really screwed me up there.

Thanks. By the way. I love the idea of never talking about any of that ever again. Let’s do that. But thanks.

And piss off. I’ll get therapy if you do.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: A mutual avoidance of our vulnerabilities

I am deeply offended that you could ever, for an instance, mistake Alison Hendrix’s mincing impersonation for anything resembling reality. You wound me, Sarah Manning.

I’ll admit – and if you ask me later, I will deny it – that I attempted therapy, afterwards. The therapist assumed delusions. I don’t blame her. Any sane mental health professional would pause when told by a patient that she removed her own eye. With a shattered martini glass. Because it was a camera surveying her every move.

I think any therapy session you attended would require fewer white lies. 

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: A mutual avoidance of our vulnerabilities

You did WHAT now. Jesus Christ. WHAT?

Yeah great cheers thanks for the advice you tell me how I tell a bloody therapist about the time my sister ditched me in a Mexican prison camp and then I got tested on by a mad bloody doctor. You give me a way to phrase that Rachel.

ATTACHMENT: guesswhat2.mp4

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: A mutual avoidance of our vulnerabilities

I don’t know what’s worse: that Alison drew out “wound” to four syllables, or that your hands were shaking too much from laughter to hold the phone camera steady. Also – let me reiterate this very strongly – that does not sound like me.

I cut out my eye with a broken martini glass. The eye was a sophisticated piece of biotech, which I’d recently discovered also functioned as a camera. I wasn’t amenable to being surveyed at all times without my consent – so I took care of it. Perhaps a tad too violently, but I was very drunk at the time and it seemed like the best way to handle things.

Tell your hypothetical therapist that you served in a war. You did, did you not?

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: A mutual avoidance of our vulnerabilities

Hey Alison did theater for like five bloody years I think she’s the expert if anyone is. Felix recorded one of her community theater performances for us and holy shit she’s. Talented.

Speaking of holy shit. Holy shit. Christ that guy was a piece of work. I went in there dressed as you to get Helena out and he wouldn’t shut up about all the shit he had over you. Glad he’s dead. Wish I could kill him again honestly.

I don’t know. War’s a strong word. Sometimes it felt like a war and sometimes it was just trying to stay alive yeah? I don’t know. We’re all moving on anyways. Maybe I’ll just get over it. God this all sounds stupid when I write it down.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: A mutual avoidance of our vulnerabilities

The pause before the word “talented” gives me considerable doubt, Sarah.

We’re all glad that John is dead. I’m especially relieved. Thank you for that.

You can’t force yourself to “get over it.” It changed you – it changed all of us. Don’t be an idiot just because you feel morally obligated to do so.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: [No subject]

What did John say about me?

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

I dunno. He just knew a lot of shit about you. Makes sense now cause of the camera. Said he knew about the letters you wrote your birth mum and how you touched yourself. Nasty shite.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

That’s all you remember?

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

That’s about all there was Rachel.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

And now he’s dead.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: [No subject]

Yeah.

You alright?

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: Hey

Can you just respond to this so I know you’re alive please.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: Hey

I’m not gonna do any deep soul-searching shite with you. Just want to make sure you didn’t get shot or somethin.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: ugh

I don’t like worrying about you. It feels weird. Isn’t feeling things the opposite of your whole deal.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: Hey.

Sarah,

Please stop giving out my email address to automated messaging services. I don’t need anything enlarged and I’m not looking for company from bots who can’t spell the word “company.” You’re behaving like a child.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Don’t “Hey.” me

What the hell happened.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Don’t “Hey.” me

Sarah,

I’m fine. We don’t need to talk about it. How are you.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Don’t “Hey.” me

You don’t get to just disappear. Okay?

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Don’t “Hey.” me

Sarah,

Wouldn’t that be more convenient for you?

Best,  
Rachel

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Don’t “Hey.” me

Piss off you know it wouldn’t. Weren’t you the one who said this mattered? You don’t get to take that back.

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: Don’t “Hey.” me

Oh COME ON.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: mailer-daemon@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: Mail delivery failed: returning message to sender

This message was created automatically by mail delivery software.

A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its recipients. This is a permanent error. The following address failed:

“a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com”:  
SMTP error from remote server after rCPT command:  
host: mx01.emig.webmail.net  
Requested action not taken: mailbox unavailable

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: this is a joke

and it’s not funny.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: mailer-daemon@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: Mail delivery failed: returning message to sender

This message was created automatically by mail delivery software.

A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its recipients. This is a permanent error. The following address failed:

“a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com”:  
SMTP error from remote server after rCPT command:  
host: mx01.emig.webmail.net  
Requested action not taken: mailbox unavailable

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: I’m sorry

That’s what you wanted me to tell you right. Not just cause I signed you up for chakra newsletters but cause of your eye and your limp and your dead dad and shite. I’m sorry. Great. That’s out there. Now you can cross stitch that and hang it on your bloody cabana.

I’m so pissed at you for pulling this shit and then calling me a child.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: mailer-daemon@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: Mail delivery failed: returning message to sender

This message was created automatically by mail delivery software.

A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its recipients. This is a permanent error. The following address failed:

“a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com”:  
SMTP error from remote server after rCPT command:  
host: mx01.emig.webmail.net  
Requested action not taken: mailbox unavailable

TO: a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: And honestly

You know this matters to me so fuck you. You know this whole stupid bloody family thing means something to me and I hate you for bloody taking advantage of that you bloody fucking bitch. You knew from day one. Told me if I didn’t cooperate you’d take Kira and Fe and all my sestras away. Now joke’s on you cause you’re your own bait. Hilarious. Fuck you.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: mailer-daemon@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: Mail delivery failed: returning message to sender

This message was created automatically by mail delivery software.

A message that you sent could not be delivered to one or more of its recipients. This is a permanent error. The following address failed:

“a04nf71gfbfj303@webmail.com”:  
SMTP error from remote server after rCPT command:  
host: mx01.emig.webmail.net  
Requested action not taken: mailbox unavailable

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: zn29rgt83hfohw6@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: Apologies

Sarah,

I wasn’t lying about the onslaught of automated messages. I’ve closed my email account. I’ll be sending you all future messages from this address.

I thought I’d made steps towards processing recent events, but as it turns out I haven’t at all. I’m not exactly sure where I’ve been for the last few days. I would apologize for the delay, but given our history I suppose I should instead apologize for sending you another message.

I won’t.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: zn29rgt83hfohw6@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: fuck saying sorry

Are you serious. You shut down your bloody account cause of all the spam?

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: zn29rgt83hfohw6@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: A bold stance on regret

[No body text]

ATTACHMENT: Screenshot_1.png

TO: zn29rgt83hfohw6@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: FUCK SAYING SORRY

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: zn29rgt83hfohw6@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: FUCK SAYING SORRY

The Nigerian princes would be distraught to see you mocking them, Sarah.

TO: zn29rgt83hfohw6@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: FUCK SAYING SORRY

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

TO: zn29rgt83hfohw6@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: but seriously

You good?

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: zn29rgt83hfohw6@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: but seriously

Approaching it. And you?

TO: zn29rgt83hfohw6@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: but seriously

Eh. Dunno. Maybe feeling a little less like the other shoe’s gonna drop. Depends on the day. Depends on the dreams.

Hey Rachel? Can you just not drop a bloody shoe on us? Can you do that for us. For me. Please.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: zn29rgt83hfohw6@webmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: but seriously

Since you asked so nicely.

I have my own life now, you know. This digital trail is the only thing linking me to all of you anymore. (Besides the obvious.) I intend to keep it that way.

And anyways: to brainstorm a plot, I’d need to stand up from this beach chair. I couldn’t possibly do that. There’s still half a cocktail left to drink.

Best,  
Rachel

TO: zn29rgt83hfohw6@webmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: RE: but seriously

Enjoy it for me.

TO: smanning84@gmail.com  
FROM: ctj39whgd02nkjfy34@hotmail.com  
SUBJECT: Camila Torres sent you an invitation to video chat!

Click here to join the chatroom.

TO: ctj39whgd02nkjfy34@hotmail.com  
FROM: smanning84@gmail.com  
SUBJECT: Hey

Me too.

-Sarah

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please kudos + comment if you enjoyed! :)


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